Insects, Boundaries and the 3 Stages
I have written in detail about the three stages David Deida describes and added my own insights when it comes to our relationship with food in particular, in this article. I refer you to this article for a general understanding of the phases first. Today I would like to muse about our relationship with insects and how it evolves throughout the three stages.
While we are in the first stage, which I call “Victim Consciousness and Drama Triangle”, we are a helpless victim to the unwanted violation of our boundaries by a perpetrator, which in this case takes the form of insects invading our physical space/skin. We feel desperate about them and our nervous system jumps just hearing their sound approaching. We might try to hide away from them under clothes or the blanket, even if it means making ourselves uncomfortable sweating. We might avoid places we know there will be plenty and even turn done invitations to not be exposed. We might also try to protect ourselves using chemical repellants, even if it means intoxicating ourselves in the process. Or we simply succumb to their presence and intrusion, “allowing” them to feed on us, but being whiny and mad about it. As a consequence of our inner resistance, the bites tend to become big, red and very annoying.
In the second stage, called “Independence and Self-Sufficiency”, our NO becomes more pronounced. We do NOT want them close to us. We are fighting them! We might spend whole nights awake just to catch and kill them. We are NOT going to be the helpless victim, hiding away from them under a blanket, sweating ourselves to death on a hot summer night. Just the sound of a mosquito brings out our aggressiveness. I am gonna kill you, fucking bastard! All our focus is ON THEM, as it was in first stage, we are just coming from a different angle this time. When we are indeed bitten, we are angry (and might also move back into weepy victim). There is a strong reaction to the bite, it is red and itchy and we might scratch it to blood.
In the third stage, which I call “Devotion and Unshakable Trust”, we become more relaxed about the existence of invaders. Yes, we put up boundaries, for example in the form of a mosquito net over our bed. However, we can accept that it is unavoidable that there will be beings violating our boundaries and that this does not have to mean the end of the world. We learn that we have a choice about how we respond to invasion. The bite does not have to affect our nervous system that much. It does not have to become very itchy and annoying. While we might still kill the invader in the act, when we notice the “bite” happening (the more present we become, the more we perceive it in the moment), we do not need to be hyper-vigilating them constantly anymore. We drop the fear of the bite and the resulting discomfort and simply draw away energy from that annoying insect, putting our focus back on what nourishes us instead, for example the fresh breathe on our (uncovered) body. We no longer allow it to condition us – neither into hiding and sweating under the blanket, nor into spending all night awake trying to kill it. We focus on where our pleasure is. We no longer FEED the enemy with our attention, we simply allow it to be there, we even allow it to feed on us, knowing that it does not have to create a major disturbance in us. As a result, LESS insects will actually bite us, even if we are completely exposed, and if they do, our physical (and emotional) reaction will be much lower. It might initially itch or hurt a little, but decline quickly after just a few minutes. And if we decide to scratch, we almost enjoy the sensation. We are no longer in resistance and as a reflection also become less sensitive to outer stings, criticism or judgment. We no longer identify neither with the victim nor with the aggressor. We have stepped out of victim consciousness and are simply at peace, even with discomfort. We fully TRUST whatever is happening, trusting that it is happening for us.
Of course there are insects that are truly dangerous and that it might indeed be wise to keep at a save distance, to not “accept” inside the home or to even kill. However, I personally believe that they too are a symbolic reflection of some inner dynamics, and that insects of all kinds actually come to help us make the transition between the stages. First they help us move from stage 1 to stage 2 by triggering us so much in our NO, until we finally express our rage with all force, and can own “the killer” in us. Then, they help us with the transition from stage 2 to stage 3, “knowingly” crossing our boundaries again and again, until we can eventually move beyond them.
A personal example
Where I live, there is a very big species of wasps (called the African wasps), which nests especially in hollow trees. Recently, one of them landed on my back and I could feel my whole nervous system contract in terror. She was climbing up my back and crawling under my hair, taking a walk on my neck. I was paralyzed, breathing quickly and shallowly. Friends of mine who were witnessing the situation told me to relax and to send her love. I tried to, but I just wasn’t able to. It wasn’t my truth in this moment. I was scared she would sting me, especially when she was on my carotid artery. I had never been stung by one of the big ones, however, other people had and the bites were always very big and painful. Eventually, she crawled down again and my friends were able to make her crawl onto a piece of paper and take her away from me. My legs were soft and shaky for a while after that experience.
A few weeks later, a similar situation happened again. This time I was on my own. I had actually avoided the door close to the tree with a nest of these wasps in it, about to enter the building from the other, supposedly “saver” side. And again I heard a big insect approaching and heavily landing on my back. At first I paralyzed again. I was close enough to the window to see in the reflection that there was indeed a big thing on me. I had done some inner work after the first experience, and so this time I was able to truly drop into trust more. I just knew that this was not happening by accident. It was meant to help me grow. I actually felt this insect as a messenger from Love. And so, this time, I was able to relax more, to just be with the experience, to accept that in the worst case she would sting me and that if it happened, I would survive it (I had survived 10 “normal” wasps biting me last year, when I stepped into a nest on the ground). I sensed her crawl up my back, this time towards my armpit. I send her an energetic NO by pressing my armpit close to my body, and also pulling my clothes tighter so she could not get under them. She slowly crawled along my elbow towards my belly. I was now able to see her for real, not just reflected in the door. And I realized that it was not one of these big wasps, but a bumblebee. Immediately, there was an even deeper exhale. A bumblebee! Whereas my mind is conditioned to perceive wasps as “bad” and aggressive, bumblebees are more positively loaded: they are harmless, useful and to be protected. Suddenly the enemy that came to sting me turned out to be a friend! For me, it was the manifestation of the inner alchemy that had taken place. I was able to send her off again with gratitude for the lessons learned. No shaking legs this time.
Depending on the type of insect and the (real or imagined) fear associated with it, we might move through this process at different speeds. Sometimes we might find ourselves super annoyed by all the mosquitos biting us and then we should not try to fake non-attachment, when in truth we are boiling inside. After some nights sleeping badly because of trying to kill them or to hide from them, we might then come to realize that we simply do not have the energy to do that anymore and naturally let go of fighting mode. We might even arrive at a place of true equanimity, where we truly don’t care anymore, even if we would have the energy. And, if then a big wasp comes sitting on me and crawling under my hair, I might be right back in fight or flight mode. In a similar way, the BIG traumas are the ones that most easily bring us back into first or second stage, when in other situations we are already healed enough to no longer get triggered. IF they arise, for example, like this big unwanted big wasp crawling under my hair, it might be wiser (and an invitation) to not go into a big fight but rather to try trusting and relaxing to not invite the attack.
The point is to slowly heal our nervous systems, so that it can remain more relaxed, especially with relatively harmless triggers, but even the occasional bigger ones. Over time, insects (and other invaders) that before seemed so scary and dangerous to us, might lose that edge to them. Then you might wake up one day with a big spider right next to your face and instead of screaming and not wanting to sleep in that bed anymore, you just sigh, get a glass and take it out. End of Story.
