How firm is your frame?

Some time back in 2019 my dance teacher told me to be even more rigid in my “frame” (I prefer to use the word “firm” since for me rigidity is when necessary firmness becomes exaggerated and unbalanced). It came as a surprise, because I thought I had a quite firm frame. I thought I knew how to follow well, both in dance and in Life.

After all, this is the feedback I constantly got from my dance partners of various levels. I have been dancing since I was 13 (first ball room, later salsa) and for many years I was indeed too stiff and rigid, I was trying to lead, I was counting steps and following fixed sequences of steps. It took me years to loosen up, get out of my head, find my sensuality and let myself be guided. In dance and in Life.

Also in this dance class, which was a beginners course of West Coast Swing, I was constantly asked by my leaders (especially those assisting from higher levels), if that was indeed my first lesson, because they could feel the difference in my frame and following compared to the others. There was tension, I was giving resistance. I did not have “spaghetti arms” nor was I pulling too much. And still… they were not teachers – it all depends on who you ask.

Keeping your frame strong is necessary in dance and in Life, so you can actually be well guided. Too much fluffiness and softness, not enough tension or losing your frame does not allow the Masculine to guide the Feminine. That does not mean you pull or take over the guiding. It simply means holding a confident posture, with your chest up and shoulder blades together.

It’s like in Life. Polarity needs tension. You are an equal partner. To be the follower does not mean to be weak, flat or without any resistance. That will never create an ecstatic, flowing dance experience – neither for you nor for your leader. It’s all about balance between the yin and the yang, both between us and within us.

Your frame in Life is your innermost truth. It’s the values you live by and your true needs, desires and boundaries in any given moment.

I am very grateful my teacher made me aware that my frame was not strong enough. And that even if I started with a good frame, I lost it along the way. I recognized that pattern in other areas of my life, too. I might have a clear vision for my relationships in the beginning and even communicate my needs and boundaries – and then abandon them, when I perceive resistance on the other side. I might know exactly what I need to say or do in a given situation – and when the moment comes I do not stick to the words, action plan or level of confidence, again abandoning myself.

The first thing you need to do is get clarity about what your frame actually is in the different realms of your life. You cannot keep firm what you are not aware of in the first place. For example, when it comes to food, my frame is conscious, regenerative, local, inclusive, balanced, individual, zero-food-waste. This one I have been very aware of and as a consequence respecting and protecting quite well most of the time.

In order to find your true frame, go slower, go deeper, get closer into yourself. Get REALLY intimate and honest with yourself about what your innermost truth is in any given moment.

“In any given moment” means your needs, desires and boundaries can and will fluctuate. This is your inner Feminine, she is changeable and in constant movement. When it comes to food, in some situations the emotional benefit of connecting with people might indeed outweigh nutritional deficits of the food offered. It is the job of your inner Masculine to stay PRESENT with all that movement, to hold space for your inner Feminine to FREELY and FULLY express herself (so to not suppress emotions) and to DISCERN between your TRUE, love-and abundance inspired needs and desires (fertile mindset) and the fear- and scarcity inspired needs and desires of your ego. And then to AFFIRM and PROTECT yourself in this truth no matter what. Even if it’s messy and not done perfectly well. It’s the effort that counts and the rest is practice.

This is how your inner woman will start to feel safe in her own body, slowly healing from any emotional wound (self-) inflicted on her. It is only when the Feminine feels safe that she is able to open up and receive fully. This is also how you will attract that type of outer relationships. It always starts on the inside.

This can be so scary! It is much more comfortable to blend in with the others than to stick out and take the risk of being rejected. It is much more comfortable to abandon yourself and simply eat and drink what’s offered than to take strange looks or questions because you bring your own food, request changes to the waiter or do not have anything on your plate at all (or only water in your glass). It is so much more comfortable to make a few changes on the surface, but for the rest stay with what you “know” than to radically restructure your life, your cycle of friends, your relationships, your job… to make them fit your true needs. It is scary, because you might see all the areas where you are settling for less than you truly desire.

Of course, accept and be grateful for where you are currently at and what you currently have. This is a prerequisite for abundance. Things also do not have to change overnight. It’s all exactly the way it needs to be. You need to be a beginner before you can be intermediate, advanced and professional. AND there is always the risk of apathy.

There is always room for growth. For more integrity. For more honesty. For more alignment. What does not grow, fades and dies. That is a law of nature. If you do not grow on the spiritual level, you will try to compensate on the material level. Or your body takes over and cancer might grow. It’s always up to you. Commit to leveling yourself up constantly. Being better than you were yesterday. Without obsessing or getting rigid about it (an overly rigid food frame as usually present in eating disorders is never inspired by love, but always by fear, denying the body its true needs rather than fulfilling them).

If what you truly want for yourself is health, fertility and abundance, it is time to say “no” to what harms you and say “yes” to yourself. It is time to get clear about what your frame is and then to keep it strong.

You always have a choice. You either choose what’s good for you, what you need, or you don’t. No matter your choice, OWN the fact that it is your choice. It is not your mother in law or your colleagues who make you put in your mouth what you do, even if it may feel like this.

It is YOU. YOU, YOU, YOU.

As long as you find excuses, you are choosing to give away your power. Instead of choosing to remain in victim attitude and to feel pity for yourself (poor me, I did not have a choice, they made me eat bad), you can choose to feel empowered and to take on the responsibility that comes with this power.

Honestly, there is no better feeling in the world than having your inner man care genuinely for your inner woman and your inner woman admire and celebrate your inner man. It’s THIS what we are looking for constantly in the outside. Every time I experience it that consciously, I lose all interest in what other people think.

So also as a woman, you need to evolve your inner Masculine, ESPECIALLY if you are not attracting the kind of man you truly desire. YOU have to be that man first to your own inner woman. Make her proud. In the big and in the small. Don’t wait for someone to save you or do the job of taking care of you for you. YOU have to make sure he keeps your frame strong and stable. Then will you be able to enter an ecstatic and flowing dance not just with an external partner, but also with Life in general.